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I recently had my first 3D experience.  It was in the back row of the cinema and I wasn’t quite sure what I was doing and it had been built up so much I guess it was bit of a disappointment.  The movie was Clash Of The Titans, in case you’re interested, and it got me thinking.  Why is it called Clash Of The Titans if there are no Titans in the film?  Just a thought I’d like to leave you with.

See ya.

[Editor’s Note: This really is what Ian submitted this week.  When we finally tracked him down he was hammered, trying to buy a kebab on credit from the takeaway featured in this In Stores Now video by repeatedly name-dropping Will.  Unsurprisingly, he never got that kebab.  This is just a quick apology - if the rest of this seems like it was drunkenly hashed together only hours before publication, that’s because it was.]

Okay so another thing that Clash Of The Titans got me thinking about was the whole 3D thing.  And High Definition, and Blu Ray DVDs and all that fancy technology that people keep creaming themselves over these days.  It made me wonder, does any of that stuff really make a difference?  Is a movie any more enjoyable if you see it in a higher quality?  Well going by my viewing of Clash Of The Titans, the answer is no.

See ya.

[Editor’s Note: Ian!]

Jesus, okay!  Seriously, I started to think about these things because after the movie I have to admit, I really wasn’t too impressed by the 3D effect.  It’s pretty obvious they rushed out a 3D print of Clash Of The Titans just to boost ticket sales, so maybe it wasn’t the best introduction to the technology.  Maybe James Cameron’s anal-retentive obsession with special effects produced a much more impressive 3D experience in Avatar, but I had my fill of that particular fish pie the first time round and I ain’t going back for more.  The point is, that was the first thing I saw in 3D so it was new to me, and it still didn’t have much effect.  I can boil it down to this: shit in the background looks a bit further away.  That’s about it.  There was an ad before the film for some 3D television, and in the ad a tennis ball popped right out of the screen and looked like it was suspended in the air right in front of my eyes.  That was a fairly cool effect.  On the other hand, NOTHING popped out of the screen during the movie, and considering the numerous opportunities involving spears, swords, Kraken-tentacles, boobs, and Liam Neeson’s beard, I’d say that was a major fucking disappointment.  Thing is, though, I still liked the movie.  Don’t get me wrong, it’s hammier than a pig’s arse and nowhere near violent enough, but it’s still good fun.  The same amount of fun, in fact, as it would have been in 2D.  So the 3D thing really had no bearing at all.

3D is more a novelty, though, right?  It’s not really a viable option for serious dramatic films, is it?  Shit, I suppose I shouldn’t be so sure.  The HD thing is much more applicable, though.  One day everything will be high definition, same as when colour came out, black and white pretty much died.  Unless you’re Jim Jarmusch.  Or a film student who really likes Jim Jarmusch movies.  And don’t get me wrong, I’ve got nothing against it.  If the quality improves, cool.  But there is a serious point here, because it seems like HD is being used (just like 3D) to hawk movies more as fashionable technology than good old fashioned art.  I’ll be honest, I don’t know exactly what Blu-Ray is.  I’ll be honest again, I don’t give a rat’s ass.  I just know it’s ‘better quality’ than regular DVDs and it’s more expensive.  Well unlike with the 3D thing, I don’t even need to watch a Blu-Ray movie to know I wouldn’t enjoy it any more than I would watching it on DVD or even (dare I say it!?) fucking VHS.  A good movie does not become a great movie because there are more pixels on the screen, nor does a crappy one become watchable.  Your HD footie match might look a bit prettier than it does on my TV, but when you get down to brass tacks, you’re still just watching a bunch of dudes kicking a ball around.  And I’ve got news for you about the news in high def: it’s still just the fucking news.  The only difference is, you can see your news reader’s nasal hair, which if anything is an argument for reverting to the radio.

I work in a chocolate shop.  You probably knew that, since the only people who read this shit are people who know me personally, and they only do because they feel obligated since I get upset and huffy if I find out they haven’t.  Anyway I managed to survive the emotional ass-raping that was the Easter period mostly by drinking myself silly after every shift, and spending my time in work either idly pondering on some chocolate-related theme, or just loudly complaining that my feet hurt.  One of my ponderings, though, was brought about by a gigantic chocolate bunny rabbit that we were selling.  This thing was huge.  A truly unnecessary amount of chocolate, if you ask me.  But that wasn’t the issue I had with it.  The thing is, that big bastard drew a lot of attention.  People liked looking at him (and yes, it was a ‘him’ you soppy feminist.  And no, not because it had a chocolate bunny knob.  Its name was Warren.  Which is actually quite clever because rabbits live in warrens.  I only just made that connection) and I could never figure out why they thought he was so cool because essentially, he was just a big whack of chocolate.  Sure, he’s in the shape of a big ass bunny, but to eat him you’d have to break him apart and once you do that, he’s just broken up chocolate, same as the chocolate bars and eggs and lollipops we were selling.  He just looked a bit fancier.  But of course he was really expensive and of course some airhead bought him.  Just like people will buy Blu-Ray instead of DVD and Sky HD boxes for their HD ready T.V. so when they watch Deal Or No Deal, Noel’s floral shirt will be fucking vivid, man.   And now of course anyone who has an HD TV will be getting all uppity, thinking I am launching some sort of personal attack.  I assure you, I am not.

By all means, get the fancy stuff.  If it makes you happy, get it in ultra high definition and surround sound.  But don’t get blinded by the technology.  Remember that it’s the movie that counts, not the fucking resolution of the screen, and not the fact that shit in the background looks a bit further away than normal.  Remember that if the movie sucks, you won’t enjoy it any more on your HD flat screen than you would on my regular old CRT TV.  Remember that even though you bought a two-feet tall, fifty quid chocolate bunny, when you break his ear off and start munching on it, it’s just a piece of chocolate.  Trust me, it won’t taste any different.

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