Bandwidth

That is the cleverest title I’ve ever come up with.

Okay so I stole it from Jackass Number 2, what is this a fucking title competition?  Forget I mentioned it.

I had the most badass plans for Halloween this year.  I was going to host a gangster themed party, complete with poker game and screening of one of my all time favourite gangster movies, American Gangster.  I even planned a special three-course Italian meal.  Then Johnny called me.
‘Bandwidth fancy dress party on Saturday.’  Prick didn’t even say hello.
‘No can do, man.  I’ve got plans.’
‘Well cancel them.  All staff must attend.  And you have to dress up.’
‘Are you serious?’
‘Yes!  You have to write about it for this week’s This Is Not A Review.  I even got you a date.’
‘Really?  Who?’
‘Alicia.’
‘Alicia as in Paul’s secretary Alicia?’
‘Yep.’
‘Jesus.  What did you do, threaten to fire her if she didn’t go?’  Silence.  ‘Don’t answer that.’
‘So you’re going?’
‘Yeah, alright.’
In my defence Alicia is very hot, and I was imagining a slutty nurse’s outfit, or a slutty cop’s outfit, or a slutty outfit of any kind.  I was also kind of proud of my Vito Corleone outfit and was looking forward to showing it off.  I called up my friends and cancelled the party.  They weren’t as disappointed as I had hoped they would be.

So on Halloween I ventured out into the night to brave the weather and the 13 year old yobs throwing fireworks.  I got myself a bottle of wine and went home to put on my outfit.   The wine gave me a nice mellow drunk and with my outfit on I actually felt pretty cool.  Maybe this wouldn’t be so bad after all.  I regretted using tampons to stuff my cheeks for the authentic Brando impression though.  They soaked up a lot of red wine and when I took them out… Well… We’ll not even go there.

Party time.

I wandered around the party swigging a beer and the only thing anyone said to me was ‘What are you supposed to be?’  I didn’t see anyone I recognised and they were all wearing lame ass costumes.  There were even a couple of jackasses dressed in one of those two-man horse costumes.  I finally bumped into William, whom I hadn’t met since my interview.  He was dressed like Bruno and it was all I could do not to stare at his package, which though average in size, was very well… defined.
‘Hey Will, where’s Johnny?’ I asked.
‘He’s the horse.  What are you supposed to be?’  The horse.  I should have known.  As I made my way through the crowd I kept looking out for Alicia.  Sexy Snow White… Not her.  Slutty cat outfit… Not her.  Damn it.
‘Hey Johnny,’ I shouted at the horse.
‘Hey man, what are you supposed to be?’
‘I was going to ask you the same question.’
‘Haha!  What do you think – pretty cool huh?’
‘Yeah.  Where’s Alicia?’
‘Hi Ian!’  It was the horse’s ass.
‘Alicia?’  She broke away from Johnny and stood up, smiling.
‘Yeah, it’s me!’  She was only wearing underwear.
‘Why are you in your underwear?’
‘Oh it gets so hot in there.’  The horse was grinning at me.
‘Are you half naked in there too?’ I asked him.
‘Of course!’ He said.
‘Yeah, of course fucking of course.’
‘Ooh listen to Mr. Jealous.’
‘Well how does it count as a date for me if she’s half naked inside a horse costume with you!?’  Suddenly the horse’s ass chirped up.
‘Just pretend you’ve got a date with Johnny’s ass!’  She laughed.
‘Oh no, I think I would enjoy that too much,’ he said.  And right then something clicked.
‘Wait a minute, are you gay?’ I asked.
‘Uh, yeah,’ said the horse.
‘But you play Xbox,’ I said, perplexed.  I think I offended him because he just stared at me with his big dead horse eyes and then shuffled off.  As they left I thought to myself, that must be the sexiest horse’s ass I’ve ever seen, and decided I needed something stronger than beer.

They didn’t have whiskey so I started doing shots of Sambuca between beers.  Then I noticed another guy dressed as Vito Corleone and got really jealous.  Oh it is on, motherfucker. Then I realised he was with the hot chick dressed as a fairy.  Ok, you win this round pal. I sulked off to the corner with the bottle of Sambuca and a whole tray of canapés.  The smoked salmon was poor quality but they had one of my favourites – carrot sticks with humus dip – which was dynamite.  I got a good way through the bottle before I realised how loaded I was.
‘Okay everyone to the screening room.  The movie is about to start,’ shouted Dracula.  I got up and went to the can.  And there was Mr. Godfather 2 himself, taking a piss.  I swaggered up to the urinal next to him, started to piss, and glanced down.  My spirits dropped and my stream weakened.  You win this round too, Godfather.

I sat myself down next to the horse, which was now divided in two.  This was good because Alicia was sitting there wearing only a bra.  It was bad because Johnny was sitting there in his underpants.  His really, really small underpants.
‘What’s the movie?’ I asked.
‘Rob Zombie’s new one.  Halloween 2.’  Jesus.  I had already seen it once.
‘This movie fucking sucks,’ I slurred drunkenly.
‘Haha, you’re really good at doing Brando,’ said Alicia.  I had long since taken out my face tampons.
‘I like your boobs,’ I said in response.  Jesus I was drunk.  She didn’t say anything.

I have noted that with every passing week my This Is Not A Review becomes even less of a review.  So here are a few thoughts on the movie:
There is so much wrong with this movie I don’t even know where to start.  Let’s face it, Zombie’s remake of the original Halloween was not only inferior but totally unnecessary.  Its only redeeming qualities were the extreme violence and numerous sex scenes.  And that is only because I happen to like low budget trashy horror movies.  This, however, is a trashy horror movie too far.  Rob Zombie has a lot of potential – I don’t like to see it squandered on shitty franchise cash-ins like this.  Next point.  Have you ever heard a hysterical woman try to talk while she’s crying?  It’s annoying, right?  So annoying you just keep wishing Lee Marvin would show up and give her a good slap.  Well around 60% of the scenes in this movie needed a Lee Marvin intervention.  Not only is the constant crying annoying, I like my horror movie heroines to have some spunk [Editor’s Note: Hehe!]  Third and final point.  The script for this one is even weaker than the previous effort.  Carpenter quit after one.  Zombie should have done the same.

After the movie we all went back to Johnny’s house for the after party.  By this point the drink had erased all notion of rational thought in me and I was acting on pure instinct.  And it would seem that my instincts revolve around hugging everyone and dancing to shitty music.  I also started drinking screwdrivers, since vodka was all Johnny had.  My last memory of the night is of lying on the floor singing along to Left My Heart In Tokyo and watching the Bumblebee Guy from The Simpsons getting off with Superwoman.

I awoke next morning acutely aware of how cold it was.  I sat upright in a strange bed and realised I was bare arse naked.  I noticed a big lump in the bed next to me and thought maybe I had gotten lucky with Alicia.  I whipped back the bed sheets and found, to my horror, a massive horse’s head.  Oh God no.  I started to scream.

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