Bandwidth

A new weekly.. er.. review from the “gifted” author of Drunken Rumblings.

As I sat at reception in the Bandwidth building I was grateful that I was being ignored. I was never good at job interviews and I have never in my life given a ‘pitch’, so I was pretty nervous. My palms always sweat when I know I’m going to have to shake hands, so I was trying to covertly dry them by angling them towards the fan that was whirring away next to me, without looking like a complete twat.

At this point some guy wearing a World War 2 Nazi helmet walked down the hall bouncing a tennis ball. As he passed me he suddenly yelled ‘Hey!’ and I instinctively yanked my hands back to my lap. I looked at him and saw he was winding up for a throw like a fucking pitcher in baseball. I froze. He slung his arm with such force he almost lost balance. I didn’t even make an effort to protect myself – I just pulled a stupid face and yelped like a little dog. He didn’t let go of the ball. He just cracked up and sauntered on down the hall, bouncing his ball. I looked at the receptionist for an explanation but she just bit her thumb to keep from laughing and avoided eye contact. Even the fan turned its face away. I sat there, utterly bewildered and ashamed. I wondered briefly if the receptionist thought her hat suited her. Then I got hold of my senses. Fuck this, I thought, and got up to leave. Before I got far some guy very conveniently poked his head out from behind a door and said ‘Ian?’  I turned around.

‘Yeah?’

‘Come on ahead.’ And he opened the door for me.

After the obligatory introductions, handshakes and offers of coffee I sat down opposite Paul – the Bandwidth boss – and William, his right hand man and the guy who puts the ‘width’ in Bandwidth. William was wearing one of those old fashioned floppy sleeping caps with a pom pom on the end. I didn’t mention it.

PAUL: So Ian, we’d love to hear your ideas for a new column on the site. What sort of direction would you like to go in?

ME: Well, I’ll be honest. I’m tired of being the clown. It’s just not me. I’d like to interact with film on a much more analytical level. I’d like to be taken seriously. I have a degree, you know?

– They glanced at each other uneasily before Paul went on.

PAUL: That’s great. We love that. But what we’re really looking for is a new angle. We want a whole new take on the “review” process.

– Strangely, William joined him in signing quotation marks around the word review, and managed to do it in perfect sync.

ME: I’m not really sure I understand…

WILLIAM: Take this for example.

– He motions to his hat.

ME: Yes?

WILLIAM: We decided the whole office environment here at Bandwidth needed to be jazzed up a bit. So we hired an O.E.A. to come in and develop some ideas to take us in a new direction.

ME: O.E.A?

WILLIAM: Office Environment Analyst.

PAUL: Very contemporary. Very expensive.

WILLIAM: Hence.

– He pointed at his hat with both hands.

PAUL: Crazy hat Thursdays.

– I just stared, blankly.

WILLIAM: Every Thursday everyone in the office wears a crazy hat.

ME (TO PAUL): But you’re not wearing a hat.

– This cracked them both up.

PAUL: Gets them every time! Look…

– And he started peeling off his bald fucking scalp to reveal, not a bloody skull, but a full head of hair.

PAUL: It’s a fake bald head! Crazy huh?

– I just nodded, actually quite impressed with the quality of his fake bald head.

PAUL: Anyway what we’re saying is, we want to go the same direction with the website.

ME: You mean like crazy header Thursdays?

– I started to cringe before I had even finished saying it.

PAUL: Ha! I love that.

– William actually jotted my idea down.

PAUL: Look, Ian, can I be straight with you?

ME: Sure.

PAUL: We already have an idea we’d like to run past you. I’m gonna turn you over to William.

WILLIAM: Okay, the title is: ‘Wanna go to the movies?’ And the concept is this: each week we will set you up on a blind date. You will take the girl to the movies, have a great time, and base your article on the date, rather than just on the movie.

– They kindly give me time to let the idea sink in. It doesn’t. It floats on top like a snickers bar in a swimming pool, and I’m too suspicious to go near it.

ME: Ummm, I’m sorry I don’t understand.

WILLIAM: Well, like I said – you’d go on a date, and then you’d write about it. And you know, mention the movie as well. You know?

ME: What has that got to do with film, though?

PAUL: Well that’s why we’re so interested to work with you. We read your blog, and I have to say, it was exactly what we were looking for. I mean you claim to write about film, but you never do! It’s brilliant.

ME: So you don’t want me to write about movies?

WILLIAM: Well, yes. I didn’t want to get into the scientific stuff, but we have been doing serious research for the past 6 months now, looking for ways to expand and grow as a company. As you can see, we have already implemented several strategies.

– He motions to his hat again. Paul lifted the gross fake bald head for emphasis. Then he started trying to put it back on, which I found very distracting.

WILLIAM: Blogs are taking off in a big way. Twitter is getting huge. People are nosey – they want to hear gossip and real life stories. And you’re the perfect writer.

ME: Really?

WILLIAM: Of course! You already spend most of your time divulging personal information about yourself rather than writing about film.

PAUL: And, you don’t have a girlfriend.

ME: Oh, yeah. That’s true.

PAUL: Look trust us, it’ll be great.

– I decided to go with it.

ME: Will I get paid?

PAUL: No I’m afraid that’s not possible.

ME: Oh… will I get reimbursed for the cost of tickets?

WILLIAM: No we can’t do that either.

ME: Can I at least choose who I go to the movie with?

PAUL: No that will be up to your supervisor, our critical editor in chief, who I’d like to introduce you to, actually.

– He pushed a button on his phone.

PAUL: Could you send Johnny in, Suze?

– The door swung open and there stood Johnny.

PAUL: Johnny, meet your new top writer. Ian, meet your new boss. He won crazy hat of the week.

JOHNNY: I always win crazy hat of the week!

– And he was still bouncing that fucking ball.

N.B. More from Ian’s blind date next week. In the meantime go and read his blog at Drunken Rumblings. Go on, get to it!

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