Bandwidth

I’m not going to lie to you folks, I quit Bandwidth.  I decided that I’m better than this… essentially prostituting myself for their gain.  So I called Johnny right up and I told him…

[Editor’s Note: I’m going to stop you right there - that is an excessive amount of bullshit even for you.  We fired you.  Now get back to the story, and tell it the way it really happened.]

Let’s not quibble… the point is for a while there my position at Bandwidth hung in the balance, until I got probably the most important phone call of my career.  Unfortunately I got the phone call in a nightclub, where I had ended up after a night of heavy drinking.

[Editor’s Note: Drowning your sorrows.  Because we fired you.]

Yes!  Alright, you fired me!  Get over yourselves.  Anyway Johnny called me, and over the thumping music I barely heard him say, ‘Listen Ian, we might have something for you.’
‘What!?’
‘We’ve got a job for you.  We’re sending you to see The Answer on Monday.’
‘What!?’
‘Now I want you to understand that the only reason for this is that we would like the publicity this article will bring us.’
‘What!?’
‘Paris Hilton’s people contacted us.  They want to do a joint a venture.’
‘Who!?’
‘Paris Hilton.’
‘Jesus how the hell did that happen?’
‘I don’t know… you’re both big on the internet.’
‘That’s true…’
‘Oh so now you can hear me?’
‘What!?’  He started to shout.
‘Never mind!  Just make sure you’re at the Ulster Hall at 8pm on Monday.’  And before I could respond he hung up.  I took the job for one reason and one reason only.  I am a gentleman.

‘Where the fuck is this broad!?’  I screamed at no one in particular as I stood outside the Ulster Hall.  My friends and I were already fairly drunk and considering how late we were, I was expecting her to be there already.  Then this fat broad approached me.
‘Hey,’ she said.  I gave her a drunken squint, trying to figure out why she might be talking to me.
‘Yes?’  I asked, playing it cool.
‘It’s me, Perez,’ she said.  Jesus.  She had really let herself go.
‘Oh…’ I stumbled, ‘I didn’t recognize you there.’  My friends started laughing wildly and to be honest I really couldn’t decide what my next move should be.  I stuck out my hand.  ‘I’m Ian,’ I said as we shook.  Hairy hands.  Big, hairy hands.  I remember thinking to myself that they can really do wonders with Photoshop these days.  ‘Well, we’re late,’ I said, ‘We better go in.’

Luckily there were two support acts, so we had time to go to the bar for a while.  ‘Well Paris what can I get you?’  I asked.
‘It’s Peh-rez,’ she said.
‘Oh sorry, Peh-rez,’ I mocked, ‘What would you like to drink your highness?’  Stuck up bitch.  I got her a vodka and diet coke and made her feel bad about how expensive it was, then  I made myself a boilermaker and started ignoring her.  She wasn’t even dressed like a rocker.
‘So how’s the blog?’ she asked, and I couldn’t help but think it was a leading question.
‘I’ve gotta piss,’ I said, and walked off.
‘Oh me too,’ she said, and followed.  My confusion morphed into outright suspicion.  When she started in to the men’s with me it got too much and I confronted her.
‘Look Paris, the ladies is down the hall.  I’ve put up with a lot of your celebrity shit tonight but I am not gonna let you watch me piss.’
‘It’s Perez.’
‘That’s exactly what I’m talking about.  That fucking attitude.’
‘No.  I am not Paris Hilton.  I am Perez Hilton.’  I had had enough of her shit.
‘Look I’ve had enough of your shit lady.  I don’t know what sort of deal you worked out with Bandwidth but you can take it up with them.  I’m here to rock and you’re totally killing my buzz.  Now fuck off.’  I felt a little bit bad when I saw her tear up, but by this point I REALLY had to take a leak, and by the time I came out of the toilets she was gone and The Answer were taking the stage.  I still haven’t figured out what her goddamn problem was, but going by the severe weight gain I’m willing to be forgiving and put it down to hormones.

[Editor’s Note: Are you serious?]

[Ian’s Note: What do you mean?]

[Editor’s Note: I’m speechless.]

[Ian’s Note: Thank fuck for that, this is my column.]

Ok so I admit it: until Monday I wasn’t really that familiar with The Answer.  I checked out a few of their more popular songs online and came to the conclusion that they do in fact rock, but this is roughly the equivalent of seeing a picture of Vic Mackey (from The Shield) and coming to the conclusion that he is a fucking badass.  You would be right, but until you have seen him in action, you just have no idea.  This rule follows for just about every kick ass rock n roll band ever – they’re great – but they’re never as great as when played at a deafening level, and my proper introduction to The Answer came at just that.  These guys rock so hard I would suggest not wearing your favourite pair of socks when you go see them, lest they be rocked off.  These guys rock so hard they make me proud to be from Belfast.  These guys rock so hard I went to see them only a few weeks after seeing MOTORHEAD play THE SAME VENUE and I honestly couldn’t tell you which show I enjoyed more.  I’m not sure I can make this any clearer – The Answer fucking rock.  They have so much balls that towards the end of their set, GIANT BALLS fell from the sky with ‘The Answer’ printed on them.  These balls were punched skyward by the taller members of the mosh pit (and were therefore out of my reach) and the whole thing was just so rock n roll I found it hard to adequately express my appreciation, so I settled for pouring a full bottle of beer over my head and throwing myself around like a madman.  Aside from the unnecessary wasting of good beer, I was not alone.  I would go on, but I get the distinct feeling this gig was like one of those funny moments you can’t quite convey.  You just had to be there.

Had the night ended there the whole thing would have been a resounding success.  Like every other night, though, it ended with me sprinting through the city centre like a lunatic, soaked in beer and occasionally pausing to lie down in the street to catch my breath.  Even making a tit out of myself couldn’t ruin a night like this though.  Kind of like seeing a quick nip-slip when some hot chick spills out of her top, I truly believe I stumbled across something beautiful here.  Mark my words – you will hear more from The Answer – and you will like what you hear.

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