I’ve Been Taken

People keep accosting me in the street to ask me why I haven’t been as prolific lately. I always say the same thing: what the fuck does prolific mean? The truth is, I’ve had enough of bitches for a while. I am currently taking a course in pimpology, in the hope that one day my life will not be dominated by rejection and lonesomeness, and masturbating over pictures of girls in polka dot dresses. The first lesson was to start calling all women ‘bitches’. The second lesson, apparently, is going to involve strengthening my pimp hand. I’m hoping the pimp hand is the right hand because I am hopeless with my left hand, for anything other than holding a pint, or masturbating over pictures of girls in polka dot dresses…

[Editor's Note: Please stop saying that.]

Whilst taking this course, though, I am abstaining from my usual quest for love. Actually, after lesson one I have learned that the quest is actually for ‘ass’, not love. So my quest for ass is temporarily on hold, until I have completely re-aligned my perceptions with regards to the fairer sex. I mean, bitches. So once again I am going to shit all over the most recent travesty I watched, Taken 2, and pretend like anyone gives a shit about what I have to say.
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This Ain’t A Hold Up

It was almost eleven and it was a week night so the bar would be closing soon. Christ, what would Will say? The thought ran through my mind but it didn’t fully sink in until a few moments later. Shit. Will and I were not on speaking terms. Things had come to a head after my brutal deconstruction of The Dark Knight Rises…

Will had been in L.A. shooting a film that parodied organised religion. There were already stirrings of controversy, but all hell broke loose after an unfortunate interview clip found its way onto Youtube. Will was caught coming out of a club, shitfaced, by TMZ. During the ensuing street interview he was asked about his involvement in the film and he claimed it was a work of passion.

‘So you don’t care if the film is a box office success?’

‘No!’ shouted Will. ‘This is too important. Fuck the profit!’

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IN STORES NOW#64: Best Boy Grip

The wonderful Eoin O’Callaghan, otherwise known as Best Boy Grip, sat down with us before his gig at The Black Box in Belfast this month and recorded two wonderful tunes. First up “The Bridge” (with a snippet of brand new track “Postman”) followed by a sumptuous track called “Barbara”. Enjoy.

[Download Video]

[Download Video]

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The Wonder Villains

Continuing our collaboration with the people behind the ni2012 campaign, here is another in our special series of sessions form Northern Ireland’s greatest musical artists. This time up, Derry’s own The Wonder Villains

Check out other sessions from Silhouette, Robyn G Shiels and Ash.

See all the ni2012 sessions here – and check back for more as they are announced in the coming weeks.

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Ash

Over the summer Bandwidth collaborated with the people behind the ni2012 campaign to produce a special series of session videos from Northern Ireland’s greatest artists. No such list would be complete without the mighty Tim Wheeler from Ash. Here Tim plays acoustic versions of two classics, the Ivor Novello award winning ‘Shining Light’ and ‘Oh Yeah’ filmed in, well the Oh Yeah centre in Belfast

Check out other sessions from Silhouette and Robyn G Shiels

See all the ni2012 sessions here – and check back for more as they are announced in the coming weeks.

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The Dark Knight Rises, But Then So Does Hot Air.

Disclaimer: Hold up there you huge sopping vagina. I know you liked The Dark Knight Rises. I know you are so precious about the sanctity of Batman-via-Nolan that the very idea of discourse on the subject is anathema to you, because we should all be too busy sucking the cocks of everyone involved in making the film. Well, too fucking bad.

Also, this thing contains spoilers.

I don’t really want to rag on The Dark Knight Rises. It’s a pretty damn cool movie in fact, and will most likely make it onto my top five for 2012. I do occasionally like to slaughter a sacred cow though, and I was bored by the hype surrounding this film months before I saw it. Marketing campaigns are perfectly natural, of course, but when the anticipation for a film is deliberately milked for all its worth, I just see a film maker shoot himself in the foot. Nothing could even hope to live up to the that level of hype, much less surpass it. It would be like the eight year old me falling in love with Sharon Stone in Total Recall (which I really did), only to years later actually have the good fortune to sleep with her. Ignoring for a second the ravages of time, if I were somehow able to bang the in-her-prime Sharon Stone, the reality could never live up to the fantasy that my eight-year-old brain was able to concoct. As my personal Deadbeat Hero Doug Stanhope points out with his patented incisiveness, it always ends the same way: BLORT!

You should watch the whole video, but if you want to skip to the relevant part it’s 4 minutes 10 seconds in.
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