10. Throwing The TV Out Of The Window

Coked off her tits, eyeing up the window of Travel Inn

 Thankfully this old staple has had it’s day. Due to the ever more slimline design of the present day picture-lantern, throwing a television set out of a window has lost some of it’s charm. It loses some of it’s spontaneity when you have to carry around a few tools just so you can dislodge it from it’s wall mount.  They are now so sleek that if you were so inclined to hoke it out the window of a premier travel inn it’d probably ride the sweet summer breeze and descend gently like a leaf onto the welcoming pavement below. Yer man from American Beauty will record the whole thing on his camera, proclaim it to be one of the most beautiful things he’s ever seen and Mena Suvari will take off all her clothes. Rejoice.

9. Groupies

She'll only break your heart, on an internet forum

 The Holy Grail. A woman who, despite your greasy hair, questionable odour and the fact your amp weighs more than you , will still want to you to defile her simply because you’ve barely mastered the C – D – Eminor chord progression and penned a cult anthem ‘The Smell of Your Dreams’. THE WHORE IS NO MORE! At least not as we’ve come to know and lust anyway. The internet has created a paradigm shift within the realm of rock n’ roll – discussion forums have been specifically set up for the groupie, were they can boast of their sexual achievements to their brethren. The groupie/musician relationship has been subverted to the extent that the musician is now the trophy. Which can only be a good thing, monogamy is underrated you decadent heathens. There is a lot of post-match analysis on these boards (so I’m told, I swear), so if you plan on letting your testicles make some important decisions in the future, make sure you bring your best game.

8. What Goes On The Road, Stays On The Road

"I was so wasted on our tour"

 Bollocks. If what goes on the road stays on the road, why do we know so much about what goes on the road? Someone in administration needs to step back and question whether they are adhering to the business ethos. The only thing that stays on the road is the scrabble marathons, because apparently they don’t  make for good stories. ‘Oh man I was so wasted, I thought my hands were my feet and I woke up with my shoes on them. But I can’t tell you about it. What goes on the road stays on the road and all that. I’ve got that motto tattooed on my back, got it done when I was on the road in France, but I can’t talk about it, what goes on the road stays on the road’. Pfft!

7. Encores

The Ultimate Encore

 This is the rock n’ roll equivalent of refusing tea at a wake:

‘Ach no, I couldn’t possibly, sure I just had a glass of milk before I left the house. Ach sure maybe a wee one, where are the sandwiches? Oh never mind, here they are, left of the cadaver…’

This roughly* translates into the band’s flourish and stage exeunt followed by their inevitable return. This is a cliché I am willing to indulge though. It’s familiarity is comforting in these unsure times.**

*very roughly, so rough that it doesn’t at all.

**for further reading, see my views on monogamy in ‘Groupies’.

 
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Sexy artwork by Will McConnell.

I know what you’re all thinking.  ‘Ian, we realise you’re an expert on film and we appreciate your infallible opinion on all things movie-related.’  Well thank you.  ‘But we’d love to hear what you think about other stuff too, so stop being so modest and start throwing your opinion on random shit out there too!’  Well, okay.  It’s true, I am somewhat of a renaissance man.  Sure, I see a lot of movies, hold down a part-time job in a chocolate shop and write an entertaining and informative article once every two weeks for Bandwidth, but I also find time in my life to listen to music, eat food and drink coffee.  So to give you a more well-rounded picture of who the real Ian is, I thought I’d mention a few of the things currently rocking my world.  And to make it (just barely) relevant to this site, all these things are based in Belfast, so you can all enjoy them too.

1. Harlem Café.

Harlem Café doesn’t need a plug from me.  It is already full to capacity every lunch time.  It is, however, my favourite haunt outside of, well, any kind of bar.  They make a dynamite cup of coffee and the food is awesome.  The walls are adorned with cool vintage photos of cool people like Johnny Cash, David Bowie, and The Beatles, and they play Sinatra.  As if it weren’t enough that I can have a double espresso and listen to Frank, the staff are all exceptionally friendly, and unnervingly beautiful.  Either you have to pass some sort of attractiveness test before they give you a job or they just run these people off some production line somewhere – either way I’m not complaining.  It has also come to my attention that they are soon to begin staying open late to offer an evening menu, which, if the lunch menu is anything to go by, is sure to be fantastic.  They’re also getting an alcohol license.  When that happens, my life will resemble an episode of Cheers.  Every day.
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I spent some time down in Dublin last month with Daniel Anderson from The Rags, recording a series of acoustic tracks- and a great time was had by all – and he previewed 5 or 6 songs in various locations all around the town.

So the plan is there’ll be one clip a week for the next few weeks featuring tracks from their new album A National Light, which is stonking.

Thanks again to the lads and to Colm Russell, and here’s the first clip:

Read more here: THERAGS.COM

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