Bandwidth

Pop makes me feel fuzzy, but it ain’t strictly cool. UNTIL NOW.

10. Oppenheimer

Rest in Peace, sweet Princes

The aural equivalent of  of hokin’ a bag full of skittles into a bottle of coke and spraying the ensuing fizzy tsunami into a playground, the two-peice purveyors of pop are now sadly defunct. ‘Pop music, you know you’re gonna lose it soon‘ turned out to be a self fulfilling prophecy, as the duo have now gone their seperate ways. It was a messy break up, with Rocky snapped by the papparazzi getting out of a taxi in London with no knickers on; Shaun was last seen splayed across the centre pages of Nuts magazine.*

*Or so i’m told, in my head.

9. McFly

Squinty bastards

I was at a McFly concert once, and I found myself alone, the only stoical bastion of silent nobility in a sea of crazed, pepsi fuelled, screaming pre-teen girls. With a steely resolve I stuck the concert out, and found the event not displeasing to the ears. McFly are the band Busted could’ve been, and in the general context of modern Western society, that is a bold imposing statement. Try not to enjoy the brilliant ‘All About You’ sang by the pillow-tongued doughface and the Eoin Strathern lookalike.

8. Lily Allen

I would go through Keith to get to her

Mrs. Myspace is the gobby yet ultimatley endearing princess of twee-pop. Allen was also the first girl in the history of civilization to wear trainers with a dress, although she did steal the idea off that twat Nicky Wire. She’s so good she even comes with a bonus nipple that gets more air time than any of her contemporaries. In a survey I just made up, 78% of women believe she should be Prime Minister. You can’t argue with cold hard facts. They never listen.

7. Girls Aloud

One is from Derry, hi!

‘Here’s the idea‘ Pete Waterman said to barman of the Ivy Lodge. ‘We get five class lookin’ girls, right. They all have to be able to sing, have legs up to their arse and moves to go with it.’  The Barman is visibly interested as he tops up Waterman’s Baileys. ‘They’ll all look different, and have their own personalities.’ ‘Like the Power Rangers!’ the barman thought, but didn’t vocalize. ‘Yes.’ answered Pete, somehow. ‘It’ll never work.‘ thought the barman. And it never did.

6. Shakira

Shakira on her recent trip to Lough Neagh

She’s just too perfect. You’d never catch Shakira stumbling out of a London nightclub, legs like bambi and not a stitch of cloth between them, no no no. She’s too busy saving the lives of impoverished children, writing the most bizzare lyrics to the coolest pop tunes and smiling like a mad bitch. And she still has time to be fabulous, as they say in the business. They erected a statue of her in her hometown of Barranquilla, which is a small village near Carrickfergus. That’s our Shakira all right.

5. Sugababes

In the rare ould times, before it went tits up

The natural successors to All Saints’ ‘Edgy-yet-Mainstream-Groove-Pop-with-Sexually-Agressive-Females’ crown, Sugababes have managed to stay edgy and mainstream with a continuous revolving door policy were the members are concerned. They’ve managed to knock off a few good tunes, without ever feeling the need to deploy the definite article at the beginning of their name. And for that I salute them.

4. The Beatles

Podge, Saul, Bingo and Ron

You mightn’t have heard of these scouse scamps*, I know I hadn’t before I began my tedious and exact research for this article. Apparently they were big in the 1960′s, which was like a hundred years ago so their impact couldn’t possibly resonate today in every aspect of popular music digestable to the human ear. They gave Ed Sullivan his big break in America: it should be noted that their was no recorded crime anywere in the world when their performance on his show went out, and that alone makes them credible, nay, INCREDIBLE.

*They changed their name soon after to the Beatles

3. The Beach Boys

Band camp

Seen here posing for the pre-season West Bromich Albion team photograph (3 of them are regular starters for the Baggies), the Beach Boys made girls, surfing and driving fast cars cool. This is no small achievement, as these things were widely regarded as social kryptonite at the time.

2. Michael Jackson

:)

Pictured above minutes before his death, the King of Pop was snatched from our oily tentacles at the tender young age of 50. He made Neil Armstrong look like a floating twat with his dancing (Moonwalk my hole Neil), and he also starred in a subversive video game came in which he rescued young kids from predators – so take that Gavin Arvizo. It’s widely accepted in my head that he managed to maintain a zoo in his garden singlehandedly, so that makes him better than any of us.

1. The Kooky Plops

Kooky Plops

Fuck the Ting Tings, the Kooky Plops are music. Was it not Jon Landau who waxed lyrical ‘I have seen the future of pop and it’s name is the Kooky Plops‘? I believe it was, and their worldwide smash ‘This is a song I wrote’ justifies this hyperbolic madness. Alan Hansen got the album and he listed it’s attritubes on Match of the Day 2: ‘It has pace, power, accuracy and timing. An all round spectular performance from a real talent. They keep possession really well’.

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