Bandwidth

Some bands aren’t real. This is list of a few of them. Some of these fictional bands went on to be real bands, some of these real bands went on to be fictional. I can’t remember who did what – that’s your homework.

10. Eyeball Paul

well mental

Everyone’s favourite “rinsing geezer” – Eyeball Paul epitomized the decadent lifestyle of a famous Ibiza DJ – Bog-clogger extraordinaire and ocular-imbibing enthusiast, his bare faced arrogance to his biggest fans is something that fictional musicians the world over can aspire to. “How’s your mummy ginger pubes?” – the voice of a generation.

9. Zack Attack

Wanker

‘Friends forever/ We’ll be friends forever’  - A timeless message that stands tall in the face of adversity, you must certainly agree. This fictional group of fictional friends from a fictional school in a fictional country  had it all – in the lead singer Zack’s head that is. Yes, this band were so fictional they didn’t even appear in the cohesive narrative of the Saved By the Bell storylines. They appeared in an episode which was set in the protagonist’s dreams, the mentalist. One wonders where the ‘friends forever’ ethos was when Dustin Diamond aka Screech was forced to make a porno just to make ends meet; although with a name like Dustin Diamond, it seemed like an obvious enough career path.

8. The Marvin Berry Four

Stoned to bits, trying to talk into his bloody hand

Thank your lucky stars that jive talkin’ Marv had the foresight to realise the potency of Marty’s ‘rock n’ roll riff in B  from the future’, otherwise Chuck Berry would just be another nobody with the best the name in the world.  He mightn’t have comprehended the complexities of the paradoxical head-melting phone call but he acted on his gut instinct, his thought process entirely uninhibited by the reefer he was seen smoking in the car with his bandmates earlier.

7. The Commitments

Deep seeded urban decay

‘They Had Absolutely Nothing. But They Were Willing To Risk It All’ - A tag-line that means nothing, but is willing to allude to it all. It should really have said ‘A bunch of knackers waste their time because a gobby knacker charmed them’. It’s strange though, The Commitments couldn’t get their act together in the fictional world so they broke through the fourth wall in spectacular fashion and engaged the audience by becoming a real, moderately successful soul band. Not a looker among ‘em though.

6. California Dreams

We’re from different backgrounds, but hey WHO CARES!? LOL

A band with no such problem in the aesthetics department were fresh faced west-coasters ‘California Dreams’. these surf dudes with attitudes were kinda groovy indeed. They had sky above and sand below, not to mention good vibrations – all of which were laid out in possibly the best theme song of any sitcom.
Another band that were an inspiration, their lack of ethnic discrimination was commendable: Season three had THREE  ethnic minorities, not to mention a punk from the wrong side of the tracks working for the money grabbing middle class white boy. I salute you, Sly Winkle.

5. Stillwater

The genital warts were thriving on that bus

You know you are a good rock n’ roll band when Led Zeppelin steal your riffs, your nonsensical song ideas (Fever Dog/Black Dog anyone?) and even steal the best thing you ever said at a party and use it as their own. Robert Plant has a lot to answer for! ‘Golden God’  indeed Bob, anyone who’s anyone knows that it was axeman Russel Hammond who pontificated that gem, prick.

4. Chris Gaines

I fuckin’ love Paramore

Just when you thought the portly guitar twanging Garth Brooks couldn’t get any more annoying, he went and hit puberty. Tired of singing out the side of his mouth to thousands of people he decided to grow a tuft of alt-fluff on his bottom lip and grow an oft maligned emo-fringe for an alter-ego album.  It must’ve been a case of the emperors new clothes within Brooks’/Gaines’ entourage, because no-one pointed out he was being an absolute idiot. Whoever let that ball bag into Croke Park needs to have a serious word with themself.

3. The Shitty Beatles

All you need is shit.

Tiny: Wanye! How you doin’?

Wayne Campbell: Hey Tiny, who’s playing today?
Tiny: Jolly Green Giants and the Shitty Beatles.
Wayne Campbell: Shitty Beatles? Are they any good?
Tiny: They suck!
Wayne Campbell: Then it’s not just a clever name.

I refuse to adhere to the notion that the Shitty Beatles were as bad as Tiny claims. I’m basing this on the fact that he claims ‘Crucial Taunt’ can ‘really wail’. Balls, they were all right at best, and wouldn’t have got half as far if they didn’t have smokin’ fox Cassandra giving it loads at the front.

2. Spinal Tap

its not fuckin barbershop

Purveyors of the redundant qualifier- (Tonight I’m Gonna Rock you Tonight), this little known rock n’ roll group made the cliche their own – so much so every band interview since the release of ‘Spinal Tap’ almost invariably mentions a ‘Spinal Tap’ moment in the career, a heightened moment of bathos which puts the ridiculous nature of the rock n’ roll lifestyle in stark perspective.  My own particular Spinal Tap moment was when I woke up in the middle of the night screaming, realising my dreams of becoming a musician were dying with every passing day. Oh how I laughed.

1. The Wonders

Five wankers blocking my path to Liv

A shock entry at number one this, but I’ll stick by it. What other band can you name that was managed by the most affable man in Hollywood (Not Bill Murray, Tom hanks – though they should really battle it out for that title) , and what other band can you name were not one, but two of the members have an ould grope at Liv Tyler. LIV TYLER! that’s what it’s all about – that’s the only reason anyone ever anywhere has ever joined a band, because it increases their possibility of getting closer to her. I know that’s why I did anyway. She looks like she’d smell class.

* I am aware that my grasp on fiction and reality in this article is somewhat blurred.