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Some are suggestive, most are daft. Enjoy.

10. ‘Please please me/Like I please you‘-  The Beatles

on a superficial listen ‘Please Please Me’ boasts a nice little word play in the chorus; a catchy use of the semantic differences of the word ‘please’. On an uncalled for analytical level, the lyric becomes a depraved beg for the reciprocation of a certain sexual act that I will not sully the good nature of this website my mentioning. To be honest, I just wanted a lyric that I could use in context with the above picture, because it’s hilarious.

9. ‘Lucky that my breasts are small and humble/So you don’t confuse them with mountains’ – Shakira

Have you ever sat in with the other half on a friday night; the curry half n’half and a bottle of Paul Mason have went down well, you and your partner both laugh at the wacky friend in the latest Sandra Bullock movie – and then it happens. Your eyes meet, you lock lips, things get passionate. Your hand slides up her poncho to get a grip of her… hard rocky terrain? ‘IT’S NOT MY LOVER’S BREAST’ you scream, ‘IT’S A MOUNTAIN!’  You open your eyes and you’re kissing a tuft of moss on the side of the Black Mountain. Happens all the time.

8. ‘Lucky I have strong legs like my mother/To run for cover when i need it‘ – Shakira, again.

This lyric is disconcerting to thine ear, no? It suggests to me that, like her mother, Shakira gravitates towards violent men. Which is a pity for us limp-wristed dandies, because she is a lovely. A big lovely.

7. ‘Someday you will find me/Caught beneath a landslide‘ – Oasis

Champagne Supernova boasts some of the best (worst?) psuedo-profound bollocks ever penned, yet the opening line of the chorus is often overlooked. It sounds like the threat of a man on a suicide mission. You can imagine Noel Gallagher shaking his fist Liamward and prodigously speaking this line. He’ll be found a few days later trapped under a few rocks on the side of the Black Mountain.*

*He was over visiting relatives in Belfast and went for a climb.

6. ‘I read in rap pages they refer to me as soft/Yeah, more like MicroSoft!’ – Will Smith

Will Smith has been dropping us hints for the best part of his career. This portentous little ditty may seem just like means to an end on first listen; a capricious flight of fancy that wouldn’t alert the reader to the ominous danger that lurked in it’s meaning. That’s write, gentle reader, Will Smith is a robot. His lyrics are rendered by a word processing system made my Microsoft, which is probably why they are so rubbish. Oh and he blatantly admits to being a robot in the above poster. ‘I, Robot’. Aye, robot!

5. ‘Now we go steady to the pictures/I always get chocolate stains on my pants’ – Thin Lizzy

What does he be doing?  Think about it.

4. ‘Well, my heart went “boom,”/When I crossed that room,’ – The Beatles

There is two ways one can deconstruct this lyric. Either Paul McCartney is a young buck suffering an attack of Sudden Cardiac Arrest at the sight of a barely legal teenage girl, or he’s adopted a character narrative and is singing through the eyes of a more appropriatley aged elder man, who would be liable to such an attack. I can’t decide which is more terrifying. The next line of the song ‘and I held her hand in mine‘ conjures up images of the protagonist lying on the floor, clutching at his teenage love’s hand in his last moments. Or so I think anyway.

3. ‘Kids don’t behave like this‘ – A Plastic Rose

A bit of a local entry from young blow-in’s A Plastic Rose. The anthemic chorus has everybody in belfast wetting their frillies, and rightly so- it’s a great tune. However, the meaning of the chorus is lost on me so I conjured up my own, AS IS MY WONT. So here it is: Gerry Norman is a strict disciplinarian but remains unscrupulous with his deployment of diction. Thus, when berating his children, he retains a sense of unspecificity in his choice of noun – just to fuck with their heads. Are they being punished for what they have done specifically, or what kids the world over have done. Only A Plastic Rose truely know.

2. ‘Boom shake-shake-shake the room‘- Jazzy Jeff

This feel good hit took over the world in the summer of 93. I was a but a young pup, but I remember the room being shaken, or shuck depending where you’re from, like it was yesterday. Alas, that was a more innocent life and now due to these terror stricken uncertain times we live in, the lyric has been hideously transformed into a feel good call to arms for generation T. For ‘terrorist’.

1. ‘Do Do Do Do Do/Do Do Do Do Do/Do Do Do Do Do/This is Insania‘ – Peter Andre

If you ever catch yourself singing along to this, take yourself to the side and have word with yourself. Would you mock a mentally unstable person, repeating what they said? Yes No you wouldn’t, so don’t do it to poor Pierre, even if he does qualify his chorus with the bizzarre ephiphany ‘this is insania’. The song is clearly the ramblings of a mentally unstable madman, the chorus’ serving as an incomprehensible crescendo to even stranger verses:

Take a look around
At what technology has found
Is it what we need?
Or are we killing the seed?
Dictated by the screen
No more following your dreams
The world’s become a difficult place to be

Cloning will diverse
Aging will reverse
Insanity is slowly, creeping into our lives, yeah
Where is yesterday? Cause people ain’t the same
Have we lost the faith? Or have we lost our minds

Terrifying.