Irony is the shackles of youth, apparently.
10. Archaic Computer Consoles
Oh irony of ironies – the first thing on my list and i realise I have a genuine love for old computer consoles. So maybe I should stop being an elitist prick and accept maybe other people do to. Is it ironic that the first thing on this list isn’t ironic? I have gone crossed eyed.
9. The Eighties
The 80′s were truly a golden age of cultural iconography and significance. Even now the advancements made in the 80′s can still be felt today. It gave the world it’s first reality TV show (Knight Rider), brought the world together with a common disease (AIDS) and the eternally fashionable piano key neck tie. YET, those pesky ironists want to diminish those grandiose achievements by only appreciating them in an ironic fashion. Am I being ironic? I don’t know. My nose is bleeding.
8. Children’s Toys
There’s a space hopper in my house. I fucking hate myself. My only defense is it appeared after a party- I can only presume it was Nathan Barley’s chosen mode of transport the previous evening. Why was I hanging around with Nathan Barely you ask? I was being ironic. I am a dick.
7. Doing the MySpace Pose (ironically)
What better way to display your disdain for something than perpetuating it ironically? Ow, my head. This was the worst idea for a top ten. Too late to turn back now.
6. Dancing Awkward On Purpose, In An Attempt To Disguise Their Awkwardness
Not all of you are blessed with the groove that resides in my soul. I have been described as Ireland’s answer to Torville & Dean, somehow. Dancing awkwardly on purpose is definitely an improvement than just dancing awkwardly – take it from this cat, when I be splitting posture bombs on the dancefloor of the Copa Ramada (behind Spar) the last thing I want is for some funk-killing tile turkey handing out nega-vibes. You dig? Me neither.
5. Appreciating ‘Skins’ (but not understanding why)
it’s as bad as appreciating irony but not understanding why, as demonstrated by this list.
4. Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris is so Adjective that when he Verbs, implausible conclusion asserting his toughness. Times fucking infinity. He also told Haley Joel Osmond he had aids in this touching scene:
3. David Hasselhoff
‘Don’t you wish your boyfriend was Hoff like me?’ mused the hilarious t-shirt’s abundant in campsite B of the Oxygen festival circa 2007. ‘Perhaps,’ was my retort, ‘If I was that way inclined – I would lke my boyfriend to be filmed devouring a burger by his long suffering daughter whilst simultaneously retaining the adoration of the German people. Who wouldn’t? Actually don’t answer that, you’re just a t-shirt.’
2. Using variants of ‘LOL’ in real conversations
Don’t be afraid to delight in the natural occurence of laughter, for it pleasing to hear across the fields and in the taverns of our great nation. No-one wants to hear the ROFL-copter coming in for landing after a particularly hilarious anecdote, or hear the abbreviation pronounced ‘Lawl’. Declare that it’s Lolz-o-clock at your peril, fiendish cur.
1. Top Ten Lists
How witty and clever are me? This list was doomed from the start, yet such is my obstinance I carried on and ended it with ‘Top Ten Lists’- the sort pseudo-paradoxical irony nonsense that may end up tearing a the time space continuum a new one. So I’ll see you all in November 5th 1955. May God have mercy on us all.