Don’t be mistaken, this bond isn’t one forged by nights of spiralling sexual orientation and a proclivity for drug use whilst being free from the shackles of underwear, It’s more of an avuncular relationship, or what ever the feminine equivalent of that word is. The Ladies and the Dames aren’t going to be there on the front line with you when you’re troubleshooting suitable burial spots for the Taiwanese rent boy who’s enjoyment of asphixatian in the bedroom ‘would always be the death of him’ (his mother told him countless times!) Hoewever, these stoical bastions of the silver screen will defend your honour at every given opportunity, and assure the public that you have never been anything short of a fucking saint.

9. Kanye West hates you.

He claims to have walked with Jesus, which is probably why Jesus acquiesced so pithily when the boys in blue came to arrest him. Who suffered worse from their association with Kanye West: Jesus, or Autotune? A matter for another time perhaps.  Taylor Swift must’ve cursed her considerably inactive peripheral vision at the Video Music Awards as Kayne came walking (Minus Jesus- he was in the 16th row with his head in hands thinking ‘Why did I walk with that prick’) onto stage. Although it was at that moment Taylor knew in her heart she’d made it. Fin.

8. You record a song with Kanye West.

You don’t know it how it happened, but it did. You’re at the top of the charts pontificating to girls about the benefits of having a fat arse (for dancing, yo!) alongside the man who not weeks before was giving you a right dressing down. You stand beside him in front of a white backdrop in the video, ostentatiously performing an exaggerated nod to the beat of the track while he points angrily down the lens with his next victim already in mind, and your mind wanders to those happy days with your garage band when the world didn’t seem such a hellish circus of lost hope.

7. You’re barefoot often

The independant is doing a piece on your diverse acting roles. The piece is called ‘Behind The Masks: Finding the Constant of Lester Goulding.’ You meet in the lobby of the Parker Merridian Hotel. The young journalist is nervous so she’s there earlier. Fidgeting with her pen, she hears the unmistakable sound of flesh on marble, a noise she remarks silently, not unlike the sound of wet testicles against a shop window. You swan gracefully across the floor, your bare feet symbolic of your constant questioning of society’s conventions, evident in your magnificent body of work as well as your lack of footwear.

6. You develop facetious political views.

People ask your opinion on matters of grave magnitude, and you being vastly important offer up a gem like: “I personally believe that U.S. Americans are unable to do so because, uh, some people out there in our nation don’t have maps and, uh, I believe that our, uh, education like such as in, uh, South Africa and, uh, the Iraq and everywhere like such as, and I believe that they should, uh, our education over here in the U.S. should help the U.S., uh, should help South Africa and should help Iraq and the Asian countries, so we will be able to build up our future for our children.”

5. You’re on Eastenders.FM!

The sound of mass desperation often manifests itself as perpetual cockney drone, eating at the soul until it’s rendered as vacuous as the wretched eyes that bobble in Dot Cotton’s weary sockets. The Eastender’s writers soon got wise to this existential hell and decided that an incongruous soundtrack would lift the spirits of the viewers. Careful not to lift them too much (suicidal contemplation are considered the most desirable emotion in the Eastenders viewer) they pepper smash pop hits throughout the cafe’s and bars via awful tinny radio speakers. If you find your music documenting domestic abuse, alcoholism, rape, murder, gang war and Phil Mitchell’s bizarrely prolific sex life, you know you’ve made it.

4. You press your fingers together during interviews.

This is the internationally recognized symbol of serene contemplation, which is only afforded to those who have honed there craft. Even Simon Amstell wouldn’t dare break the intense silence that accompanies this gesture if it were Al Pacino opposite him. Although it would be strange because Pacino would never appear on Never Mind the Buzzcocks, and even stranger because Amstell doesn’t present it anymore. I don’t know why but I can’t see John Cusack getting away with this gesture. Has he not made it?

3. You don’t bring a towel anywhere.

cloth or towel. Know the difference, it could save your life

…Because there’ll always be towels supplied for you. Fact.

2. People come to your gigs solely to get pished.

For this segment, I have included an extract from the (at the time of publication yet unreleased) autobiography of Liam Gallagher, an esteemed poet and philosopher of the mid 90′s:

The sky had draped a celestial canopy of reverential beauty that only increased in splendour as the desperate sun sunk to its repose beyond the horizon. I took this as an omen of good fortune and my mood was lifted somewhat by Nature’s wondrous temperament.  Noel, my elder sibling in both age and contentment, expressed a similar sentiment to my own – not physically, I hasten to add: there was something in his countenance that suggested to me a serene satisfaction with how the night would inevitably proceed. With our hearts content we made forth to the performance stage, were invariably our spirits would intertwine with those who had made their way to the arena, the intoxicating camaraderie of joviality and youth fuelling their already joyful energy. I endeavoured to the front of the stage to furtively view the state of our company, and as I did I caught a glance of something cascade through the crisp night air. A bird perhaps? Surely no creature of the avian world would brave the cacophony of a bold number of men in close proximity. I put it down to a trick of the senses, and waited with ardent fervour for our lights to bask the audience in their glorious power. When the lights eventually burst forth, I almost lost my footing, as what I can only describe as Hades appeared before my eyes – Demon’s of the underworld surely had woken from their terrible slumber, and infested their foul souls into these good men before me. A wrenching, pulsating heart of indignity, pugnaciously rippling back and forth manifested itself before me. I dropped to my knees and wept, for the futile thoughts of love, kinship and peace that I had exercised seemed like knotted threads in a tragic dream.

1. You’re hanging out with Elmo.

It’s a wonder the furry magnificent bastard hasn’t been photographed at the end of a powdery white line, his endearing orange nose dusted in coke so it resembles an over-salted sweet potato, for this is precisely the sort of behaviour a celebrity socialite of Elmo’s status should be partaking in. Elmo hangs with the elite, you gots to earn that privilege. Ricky Gervais cites meeting Elmo as the highlight of his career, and if you ever find yourself rubbing furry shoulders with him, know you’ve  nowhere to go from there, and you might as well die.

10. Jack Black – High Fidelity

Every so often, an actor is said to have been born to play a certain role. For a Mr. J Black of Hollywood (presumably, my depth of research is invariably linked to how bothered I am on the day) this role was Barry, the air guitar wielding prat from High Fidelity. This role was made for Black so much he inexorably portrayed it in everyone of his films to date. Ho ho, such wit. When I watch High Fidelity I romanticize the notion and believe being friends with Barry would be fun. The truth is it would probably be tiresome, as I imagine a friendship with Black would be. Again with the wit…

9. Steve Carrell – Anchorman

Quoted by everyone, everywhere. Even the Queen dropped one of Brick’s lines in her annual Christmas speech: “I am sure that we have all been affected by events in Afghanistan and saddened by the casualties suffered by our forces serving there. Our thoughts go out to their relations and friends who have shown immense dignity in the face of great personal loss. I ate a big red candle!”. Every character in the film has great lines, but Carrell’s comic timing and delivery – awkward and incongruous for the entire film allows him to take the mantle of Anchorman’s most memorable character.

8. Ralph Brown – Withnail and I

The curiously accented drug dealer Danny- perhaps the most endearing proprietor of hard drugs that’s ever been committed to film. In an unusual turn of intertextual writing, Mike Myers deployed Ralph Brown as a suspiciously similar character in Wayne’s World 2, the road-worn roadie Del Preston. He did a good job stealing the scenes in that film too – particularly when he regales a group of teens about having to beat a man to death with his own shoe so Ozzy could play on stage that night. A unique character and direct inspiration for the character in this next entry…

7. Matt King – (Super hans) Peep Show

Super Hans, the Danny/Del Preston of the Noughties. A proclivity for hard drugs in casual situations, in his head Super Hans is perpetually sticking it to the man. If it’s by smoking his crack pipe at a wedding or demanding his band are named ‘Free The Paedo’s', he is the last bastion of anarchy in a sea of the mundane. Hans, I salute ye.

6. Chloë Grace Moretz – (500) days of summer & Kick-Ass

So good she stoles it twice so she done- her turn as Tom’s little sister was hilarious and understated. Subversive relationships have been done a lot; sitcoms rely on the shtick so much so that it can feel tiresome and dated but Moretz’s stoical interactions with the melancholic Gordon-Levitt are natural and endearing. These scenes make a quirky film that bit more charming. Then she goes and drops the c-word as Hit-Girl in Kick-Ass. A natural, methinks.

5. Rhys Darby – Flight of the Conchords

In a show littered with bit part scene-stealer’s Darby’s portrayal of Murray Hewitt ‘of the New Zealand Consulate’ beats off tough competition from ‘Mel the Stalker’ or Dave ‘The Best Friend’ in Flight of the Conchords’ quirky world of prosaic nonsense. His minuscule knowledge of music, the music industry and indeed modern technology in general serves to project him as a millstone around the necks of Bret and Jemaine – the comedy arises from his lack of self awareness, and the belief that if the Conchords didn’t have him as a manager they’d be nobodies (which as it happens, they still are). Enjoy this improvised scene were Murray displays his limited knowledge of musical instruments.

4. Mark Wahlberg- The Departed

Staff Sergeant Sean Dignam – Wahlberg’s character is so obnoxious, unwilling and obstinate that it should be impossible to be excited when his character appears on screen, but his sporadic bursts of foul mouthed screen time act as comic relief (not in an overt or crass way) in a film that otherwise would begin feel weighted down with the outlandish plot. His delivery is so self-assured it makes me want to punch him, which I reckon was precisely the intended desire.

3. Jeff Goldblum- Jurassic Park

Dr Ian Malcolm- Tall, swarthy, nonchalant, chaos theorist and suffering from extreme excess of personality. How Jeff steals a film that has Dinosaurs losing the plot and generally being class is beyond me, but he does. Sam Neil is from Omagh, which is cool, but not as cool Goldblum’s charismatic scientist. His shirt’s open for most of the film, as was the style at the time.

2. Robert Carlyle – Trainspotting

Carlyle’s depiction of Begbie is terrifyingly unstable. It’s hard to choose a particular scene because he’s enthralling throughout – so much so that someone has uploaded ‘The best of Begbie’ moments on Youtube. Here’s a sample. Shit yourself at your leisure.

1. Alec Baldwin – Glengarry Glen Ross

For Alec Baldwin to occupy the best 7 minutes of a film that lists Kevin Spacey, Ed Harris, Al Pacino and Jack Lemmon among its ensemble cast is no small feat. His character Blake was created specifically for Baldwin and didn’t exist in David Mamet’s original stage production. Baldwin’s character measures virility through his capitalist successes and berates the rest of the cast for not having the balls (his words not mine) to close their prospective deals. His interaction with Ed Harris in this scene is a particular highlight.

Honourable mention: Christopher Walken, in everything.

10.  Archaic Computer Consoles

The first computer to feel love

Oh irony of ironies – the first thing on my list and i realise I have a genuine love for old computer consoles. So maybe I should stop being an elitist prick and accept maybe other people do to. Is it ironic that the first thing on this list isn’t ironic? I have gone crossed eyed.

9.  The Eighties

Things were so much better back then

The 80′s were truly a golden age of cultural iconography and significance. Even now the advancements made in the 80′s can still be felt today. It gave the world it’s first reality TV show (Knight Rider), brought the world together with a common disease (AIDS) and the eternally fashionable piano key neck tie. YET, those pesky ironists want to diminish those grandiose achievements by only appreciating them in an ironic fashion. Am I being ironic? I don’t know. My nose is bleeding.

8.  Children’s Toys

Inflamed testicle

There’s a space hopper in my house. I fucking hate myself. My only defense is it appeared after a party- I can only presume it was Nathan Barley’s chosen mode of transport the previous evening. Why was I hanging around with Nathan Barely you ask? I was being ironic. I am a dick.

7. Doing the MySpace Pose (ironically)

Turdspace.com

What better way to display your disdain for something than perpetuating it ironically? Ow, my head. This was the worst idea for a top ten. Too late to turn back now.

6. Dancing Awkward On Purpose, In An Attempt To Disguise Their Awkwardness

Abba

Not all of you are blessed with the groove that resides in my soul. I have been described as Ireland’s answer to Torville & Dean, somehow. Dancing awkwardly on purpose is definitely an improvement than just dancing awkwardly – take it from this cat, when I be splitting posture bombs on the dancefloor of the Copa Ramada (behind Spar) the last thing I want is for some funk-killing tile turkey handing out nega-vibes. You dig? Me neither.

5. Appreciating ‘Skins’ (but not understanding why)

Gritty teen drama

it’s as bad as appreciating irony but not understanding why, as demonstrated by this list.

4. Chuck Norris

Definitely Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris is so Adjective that when he Verbs, implausible conclusion asserting his toughness. Times fucking infinity. He also told Haley Joel Osmond he had aids in this touching scene:

3. David Hasselhoff

Look how terrified the dogs are

‘Don’t you wish your boyfriend was Hoff like me?’ mused the hilarious t-shirt’s abundant in campsite B of the Oxygen festival circa 2007. ‘Perhaps,’ was my retort, ‘If I was that way inclined – I would lke my boyfriend to be filmed devouring a burger by his long suffering daughter whilst simultaneously retaining the adoration of the German people. Who wouldn’t? Actually don’t answer that, you’re just a t-shirt.’

2. Using variants of ‘LOL’ in real conversations

A person saying 'lol'

Don’t be afraid to delight in the natural occurence of laughter, for it pleasing to hear across the fields and in the taverns of our great nation. No-one wants to hear the ROFL-copter coming in for landing after a particularly hilarious anecdote, or hear the abbreviation pronounced ‘Lawl’. Declare that it’s Lolz-o-clock at your peril, fiendish cur.

1. Top Ten Lists

Top Tizzle

How witty and clever are me?  This list was doomed from the start, yet such is my obstinance I carried on and ended it with ‘Top Ten Lists’- the sort pseudo-paradoxical irony nonsense that may end up tearing a the time space continuum a new one. So I’ll see you all in November 5th 1955. May God have mercy on us all.

10. Oppenheimer

Rest in Peace, sweet Princes

The aural equivalent of  of hokin’ a bag full of skittles into a bottle of coke and spraying the ensuing fizzy tsunami into a playground, the two-peice purveyors of pop are now sadly defunct. ‘Pop music, you know you’re gonna lose it soon‘ turned out to be a self fulfilling prophecy, as the duo have now gone their seperate ways. It was a messy break up, with Rocky snapped by the papparazzi getting out of a taxi in London with no knickers on; Shaun was last seen splayed across the centre pages of Nuts magazine.*

*Or so i’m told, in my head.

9. McFly

Squinty bastards

I was at a McFly concert once, and I found myself alone, the only stoical bastion of silent nobility in a sea of crazed, pepsi fuelled, screaming pre-teen girls. With a steely resolve I stuck the concert out, and found the event not displeasing to the ears. McFly are the band Busted could’ve been, and in the general context of modern Western society, that is a bold imposing statement. Try not to enjoy the brilliant ‘All About You’ sang by the pillow-tongued doughface and the Eoin Strathern lookalike.

8. Lily Allen

I would go through Keith to get to her

Mrs. Myspace is the gobby yet ultimatley endearing princess of twee-pop. Allen was also the first girl in the history of civilization to wear trainers with a dress, although she did steal the idea off that twat Nicky Wire. She’s so good she even comes with a bonus nipple that gets more air time than any of her contemporaries. In a survey I just made up, 78% of women believe she should be Prime Minister. You can’t argue with cold hard facts. They never listen.

7. Girls Aloud

One is from Derry, hi!

‘Here’s the idea‘ Pete Waterman said to barman of the Ivy Lodge. ‘We get five class lookin’ girls, right. They all have to be able to sing, have legs up to their arse and moves to go with it.’  The Barman is visibly interested as he tops up Waterman’s Baileys. ‘They’ll all look different, and have their own personalities.’ ‘Like the Power Rangers!’ the barman thought, but didn’t vocalize. ‘Yes.’ answered Pete, somehow. ‘It’ll never work.‘ thought the barman. And it never did.

6. Shakira

Shakira on her recent trip to Lough Neagh

She’s just too perfect. You’d never catch Shakira stumbling out of a London nightclub, legs like bambi and not a stitch of cloth between them, no no no. She’s too busy saving the lives of impoverished children, writing the most bizzare lyrics to the coolest pop tunes and smiling like a mad bitch. And she still has time to be fabulous, as they say in the business. They erected a statue of her in her hometown of Barranquilla, which is a small village near Carrickfergus. That’s our Shakira all right.

5. Sugababes

In the rare ould times, before it went tits up

The natural successors to All Saints’ ‘Edgy-yet-Mainstream-Groove-Pop-with-Sexually-Agressive-Females’ crown, Sugababes have managed to stay edgy and mainstream with a continuous revolving door policy were the members are concerned. They’ve managed to knock off a few good tunes, without ever feeling the need to deploy the definite article at the beginning of their name. And for that I salute them.

4. The Beatles

Podge, Saul, Bingo and Ron

You mightn’t have heard of these scouse scamps*, I know I hadn’t before I began my tedious and exact research for this article. Apparently they were big in the 1960′s, which was like a hundred years ago so their impact couldn’t possibly resonate today in every aspect of popular music digestable to the human ear. They gave Ed Sullivan his big break in America: it should be noted that their was no recorded crime anywere in the world when their performance on his show went out, and that alone makes them credible, nay, INCREDIBLE.

*They changed their name soon after to the Beatles

3. The Beach Boys

Band camp

Seen here posing for the pre-season West Bromich Albion team photograph (3 of them are regular starters for the Baggies), the Beach Boys made girls, surfing and driving fast cars cool. This is no small achievement, as these things were widely regarded as social kryptonite at the time.

2. Michael Jackson

:)

Pictured above minutes before his death, the King of Pop was snatched from our oily tentacles at the tender young age of 50. He made Neil Armstrong look like a floating twat with his dancing (Moonwalk my hole Neil), and he also starred in a subversive video game came in which he rescued young kids from predators – so take that Gavin Arvizo. It’s widely accepted in my head that he managed to maintain a zoo in his garden singlehandedly, so that makes him better than any of us.

1. The Kooky Plops

Kooky Plops

Fuck the Ting Tings, the Kooky Plops are music. Was it not Jon Landau who waxed lyrical ‘I have seen the future of pop and it’s name is the Kooky Plops‘? I believe it was, and their worldwide smash ‘This is a song I wrote’ justifies this hyperbolic madness. Alan Hansen got the album and he listed it’s attritubes on Match of the Day 2: ‘It has pace, power, accuracy and timing. An all round spectular performance from a real talent. They keep possession really well’.

10. ‘Please please me/Like I please you‘-  The Beatles

The implicit meaning of aformentioned lyric

on a superficial listen ‘Please Please Me’ boasts a nice little word play in the chorus; a catchy use of the semantic differences of the word ‘please’. On an uncalled for analytical level, the lyric becomes a depraved beg for the reciprocation of a certain sexual act that I will not sully the good nature of this website my mentioning. To be honest, I just wanted a lyric that I could use in context with the above picture, because it’s hilarious.

9. ‘Lucky that my breasts are small and humble/So you don’t confuse them with mountains’ – Shakira

Mountains, not to be confused with Sharkira's boobs

Have you ever sat in with the other half on a friday night; the curry half n’half and a bottle of Paul Mason have went down well, you and your partner both laugh at the wacky friend in the latest Sandra Bullock movie – and then it happens. Your eyes meet, you lock lips, things get passionate. Your hand slides up her poncho to get a grip of her… hard rocky terrain? ‘IT’S NOT MY LOVER’S BREAST’ you scream, ‘IT’S A MOUNTAIN!’  You open your eyes and you’re kissing a tuft of moss on the side of the Black Mountain. Happens all the time.

8. ‘Lucky I have strong legs like my mother/To run for cover when i need it‘ – Shakira, again.

Shakira and her ma, legs like lamb shanks.

This lyric is disconcerting to thine ear, no? It suggests to me that, like her mother, Shakira gravitates towards violent men. Which is a pity for us limp-wristed dandies, because she is a lovely. A big lovely.

7. ‘Someday you will find me/Caught beneath a landslide‘ – Oasis

Hilarious caption

Champagne Supernova boasts some of the best (worst?) psuedo-profound bollocks ever penned, yet the opening line of the chorus is often overlooked. It sounds like the threat of a man on a suicide mission. You can imagine Noel Gallagher shaking his fist Liamward and prodigously speaking this line. He’ll be found a few days later trapped under a few rocks on the side of the Black Mountain.*

*He was over visiting relatives in Belfast and went for a climb.

6. ‘I read in rap pages they refer to me as soft/Yeah, more like MicroSoft!’ – Will Smith

All the clues are there, you just gotta look for 'em...

Will Smith has been dropping us hints for the best part of his career. This portentous little ditty may seem just like means to an end on first listen; a capricious flight of fancy that wouldn’t alert the reader to the ominous danger that lurked in it’s meaning. That’s write, gentle reader, Will Smith is a robot. His lyrics are rendered by a word processing system made my Microsoft, which is probably why they are so rubbish. Oh and he blatantly admits to being a robot in the above poster. ‘I, Robot’. Aye, robot!

5. ‘Now we go steady to the pictures/I always get chocolate stains on my pants’ – Thin Lizzy

Definitely Phil Lynott

What does he be doing?  Think about it.

4. ‘Well, my heart went “boom,”/When I crossed that room,’ – The Beatles

The ominous effects of lusting after a 17 year old

There is two ways one can deconstruct this lyric. Either Paul McCartney is a young buck suffering an attack of Sudden Cardiac Arrest at the sight of a barely legal teenage girl, or he’s adopted a character narrative and is singing through the eyes of a more appropriatley aged elder man, who would be liable to such an attack. I can’t decide which is more terrifying. The next line of the song ‘and I held her hand in mine‘ conjures up images of the protagonist lying on the floor, clutching at his teenage love’s hand in his last moments. Or so I think anyway.

3. ‘Kids don’t behave like this‘ – A Plastic Rose

I asked for Tennants not Carlsberg, pathetic seed of mine

A bit of a local entry from young blow-in’s A Plastic Rose. The anthemic chorus has everybody in belfast wetting their frillies, and rightly so- it’s a great tune. However, the meaning of the chorus is lost on me so I conjured up my own, AS IS MY WONT. So here it is: Gerry Norman is a strict disciplinarian but remains unscrupulous with his deployment of diction. Thus, when berating his children, he retains a sense of unspecificity in his choice of noun – just to fuck with their heads. Are they being punished for what they have done specifically, or what kids the world over have done. Only A Plastic Rose truely know.

2. ‘Boom shake-shake-shake the room‘- Jazzy Jeff

Osama, or Jazzy Jeff? You decide

This feel good hit took over the world in the summer of 93. I was a but a young pup, but I remember the room being shaken, or shuck depending where you’re from, like it was yesterday. Alas, that was a more innocent life and now due to these terror stricken uncertain times we live in, the lyric has been hideously transformed into a feel good call to arms for generation T. For ‘terrorist’.

1. ‘Do Do Do Do Do/Do Do Do Do Do/Do Do Do Do Do/This is Insania‘ – Peter Andre

Spazzing out like a mad huer at the latest Andre-Fest

If you ever catch yourself singing along to this, take yourself to the side and have word with yourself. Would you mock a mentally unstable person, repeating what they said? Yes No you wouldn’t, so don’t do it to poor Pierre, even if he does qualify his chorus with the bizzarre ephiphany ‘this is insania’. The song is clearly the ramblings of a mentally unstable madman, the chorus’ serving as an incomprehensible crescendo to even stranger verses:

Take a look around
At what technology has found
Is it what we need?
Or are we killing the seed?
Dictated by the screen
No more following your dreams
The world’s become a difficult place to be

Cloning will diverse
Aging will reverse
Insanity is slowly, creeping into our lives, yeah
Where is yesterday? Cause people ain’t the same
Have we lost the faith? Or have we lost our minds

Terrifying.

Coked off her tits, eyeing up the window of Travel Inn

 Thankfully this old staple has had it’s day. Due to the ever more slimline design of the present day picture-lantern, throwing a television set out of a window has lost some of it’s charm. It loses some of it’s spontaneity when you have to carry around a few tools just so you can dislodge it from it’s wall mount.  They are now so sleek that if you were so inclined to hoke it out the window of a premier travel inn it’d probably ride the sweet summer breeze and descend gently like a leaf onto the welcoming pavement below. Yer man from American Beauty will record the whole thing on his camera, proclaim it to be one of the most beautiful things he’s ever seen and Mena Suvari will take off all her clothes. Rejoice.

9. Groupies

She'll only break your heart, on an internet forum

 The Holy Grail. A woman who, despite your greasy hair, questionable odour and the fact your amp weighs more than you , will still want to you to defile her simply because you’ve barely mastered the C – D – Eminor chord progression and penned a cult anthem ‘The Smell of Your Dreams’. THE WHORE IS NO MORE! At least not as we’ve come to know and lust anyway. The internet has created a paradigm shift within the realm of rock n’ roll – discussion forums have been specifically set up for the groupie, were they can boast of their sexual achievements to their brethren. The groupie/musician relationship has been subverted to the extent that the musician is now the trophy. Which can only be a good thing, monogamy is underrated you decadent heathens. There is a lot of post-match analysis on these boards (so I’m told, I swear), so if you plan on letting your testicles make some important decisions in the future, make sure you bring your best game.

8. What Goes On The Road, Stays On The Road

"I was so wasted on our tour"

 Bollocks. If what goes on the road stays on the road, why do we know so much about what goes on the road? Someone in administration needs to step back and question whether they are adhering to the business ethos. The only thing that stays on the road is the scrabble marathons, because apparently they don’t  make for good stories. ‘Oh man I was so wasted, I thought my hands were my feet and I woke up with my shoes on them. But I can’t tell you about it. What goes on the road stays on the road and all that. I’ve got that motto tattooed on my back, got it done when I was on the road in France, but I can’t talk about it, what goes on the road stays on the road’. Pfft!

7. Encores

The Ultimate Encore

 This is the rock n’ roll equivalent of refusing tea at a wake:

‘Ach no, I couldn’t possibly, sure I just had a glass of milk before I left the house. Ach sure maybe a wee one, where are the sandwiches? Oh never mind, here they are, left of the cadaver…’

This roughly* translates into the band’s flourish and stage exeunt followed by their inevitable return. This is a cliché I am willing to indulge though. It’s familiarity is comforting in these unsure times.**

*very roughly, so rough that it doesn’t at all.

**for further reading, see my views on monogamy in ‘Groupies’.

 

6. The Crazy Drummer

Mad as a bag of spiders

This slightly unhinged yet undeniably charming creature has been causing havoc for the best part of a century now, but as delineated in ‘10. Throwing the tv out of the window’, their natural habits have been found to be somewhat less indulged as of late. The precarious state of the music industry has rendered the former wildman a polite, straight 4/4 to the floor sort of fella. Hotel room cleaners the world over rejoice and in the end that’s what we want, don’t we? Because they are usually foreign, and if you don’t want them happy that makes you a xenophobe. So there.

5. The ‘Man’  

The Man

 STICK IT TO THE MAN! YEAH STICK IT! LOOK AT HIM THERE WITH HIS SUIT AND TIE HE PROBABLY EARNED THROUGH HARD WORK – CONFORMIST! Rage Against The Machine stuck it to the man once, inadvertently of course, being the shy types. They became the horse in which the internet cavalry trampled down the man (the man being affable Joe McElderry off thon X-Factor). The pleasant young chap was denied his Christmas number 1 by the RATM’s ‘Killing In The Name Off’. Take that, the man! GRRR.

4. Dying Aged 27 

Club 27 drinks are free...

‘Forever 27‘ or ‘The  27 club‘ makes it sound like an 18-30′s holiday rep drinking game, and in a way it is. Everyone ends up the same – in a pool covered in vomit and other fluidly unmentionables, just like that fondly remembered weekend in Ibiza. Notable patrons of the club left behind by the rep’s after a mad night hard trancin’ are: Robert Johnson, Brian Jones, Janis Joplin, Jimi Hendrix, Jim Morrison and Kurt Cobain. Richey Edwards of Manic Street Preachers is presumed dead 1st February 1995 which would make him forever 27, although according to one of the reps he was last seen wearing a lady’s dress and heading towards Amnesia completely wiped out. Could’ve been Nicky Wire though.

3. Defining A Generation

Hilarious caption

Webster’s dictionary defines a generation as ‘coevals: all the people living at the same time or of approximately the same age’. As simple as that, they didn’t even have to release the difficult second album, the mainstream friendly third and the cocaine fuelled fourth to define a generation either. I bet the Webster’s are still happily married too.

2. The Guitarist/Singer Relationship   

World's worst hen party

 As sexually ambiguous as an adrogynous man giving Desperate Houswives a lukewarm review, this relationship is often pivotal to the dynamic of the band. There ambivalence towards eachother is heightened more by the innate power struggle betwixt them. Keith is thinking- ‘Why does he get the attention of all the ladies? he looks like Leslie Ash.’ Mick is thinking- ‘I can’t help feel the phallic nature of Keith’s guitar is a double edged sword. It’s sexual imagery must certainly divert the attention from me. On the other hand, it’s distracted people from noticing the whole Leslie Ash thing.’ So as you can see, it is entirely essential.

  1.The Tortured Artist

You couldn't rely on him to fix your car

Because we just don’t see the world as clear they do. They know, man. THEY KNOW. as poet Alison Monet Megan Fox’s abdomen recently preached-  ‘Those who danced were thought to be insane by those who could not hear the music.’ Shine on you crazy diamonds and all that, but don’t fall into to the trap of thinking that it’s a necessity to be tortured to be an artist. Bruce Springsteen isn’t, and he is simply swell. He’s so in touch with the common man he’s probably washing your windows as you read this, recognizing the quiet yet noble heroism of such an everyday task. He is class, so he is.

10. Eyeball Paul

well mental

Everyone’s favourite “rinsing geezer” – Eyeball Paul epitomized the decadent lifestyle of a famous Ibiza DJ – Bog-clogger extraordinaire and ocular-imbibing enthusiast, his bare faced arrogance to his biggest fans is something that fictional musicians the world over can aspire to. “How’s your mummy ginger pubes?” – the voice of a generation.

9. Zack Attack

Wanker

‘Friends forever/ We’ll be friends forever’  - A timeless message that stands tall in the face of adversity, you must certainly agree. This fictional group of fictional friends from a fictional school in a fictional country  had it all – in the lead singer Zack’s head that is. Yes, this band were so fictional they didn’t even appear in the cohesive narrative of the Saved By the Bell storylines. They appeared in an episode which was set in the protagonist’s dreams, the mentalist. One wonders where the ‘friends forever’ ethos was when Dustin Diamond aka Screech was forced to make a porno just to make ends meet; although with a name like Dustin Diamond, it seemed like an obvious enough career path.

8. The Marvin Berry Four

Stoned to bits, trying to talk into his bloody hand

Thank your lucky stars that jive talkin’ Marv had the foresight to realise the potency of Marty’s ‘rock n’ roll riff in B  from the future’, otherwise Chuck Berry would just be another nobody with the best the name in the world.  He mightn’t have comprehended the complexities of the paradoxical head-melting phone call but he acted on his gut instinct, his thought process entirely uninhibited by the reefer he was seen smoking in the car with his bandmates earlier.

7. The Commitments

Deep seeded urban decay

‘They Had Absolutely Nothing. But They Were Willing To Risk It All’ - A tag-line that means nothing, but is willing to allude to it all. It should really have said ‘A bunch of knackers waste their time because a gobby knacker charmed them’. It’s strange though, The Commitments couldn’t get their act together in the fictional world so they broke through the fourth wall in spectacular fashion and engaged the audience by becoming a real, moderately successful soul band. Not a looker among ‘em though.

6. California Dreams

We’re from different backgrounds, but hey WHO CARES!? LOL

A band with no such problem in the aesthetics department were fresh faced west-coasters ‘California Dreams’. these surf dudes with attitudes were kinda groovy indeed. They had sky above and sand below, not to mention good vibrations – all of which were laid out in possibly the best theme song of any sitcom.
Another band that were an inspiration, their lack of ethnic discrimination was commendable: Season three had THREE  ethnic minorities, not to mention a punk from the wrong side of the tracks working for the money grabbing middle class white boy. I salute you, Sly Winkle.

5. Stillwater

The genital warts were thriving on that bus

You know you are a good rock n’ roll band when Led Zeppelin steal your riffs, your nonsensical song ideas (Fever Dog/Black Dog anyone?) and even steal the best thing you ever said at a party and use it as their own. Robert Plant has a lot to answer for! ‘Golden God’  indeed Bob, anyone who’s anyone knows that it was axeman Russel Hammond who pontificated that gem, prick.

4. Chris Gaines

I fuckin’ love Paramore

Just when you thought the portly guitar twanging Garth Brooks couldn’t get any more annoying, he went and hit puberty. Tired of singing out the side of his mouth to thousands of people he decided to grow a tuft of alt-fluff on his bottom lip and grow an oft maligned emo-fringe for an alter-ego album.  It must’ve been a case of the emperors new clothes within Brooks’/Gaines’ entourage, because no-one pointed out he was being an absolute idiot. Whoever let that ball bag into Croke Park needs to have a serious word with themself.

3. The Shitty Beatles

All you need is shit.

Tiny: Wanye! How you doin’?

Wayne Campbell: Hey Tiny, who’s playing today?
Tiny: Jolly Green Giants and the Shitty Beatles.
Wayne Campbell: Shitty Beatles? Are they any good?
Tiny: They suck!
Wayne Campbell: Then it’s not just a clever name.

I refuse to adhere to the notion that the Shitty Beatles were as bad as Tiny claims. I’m basing this on the fact that he claims ‘Crucial Taunt’ can ‘really wail’. Balls, they were all right at best, and wouldn’t have got half as far if they didn’t have smokin’ fox Cassandra giving it loads at the front.

2. Spinal Tap

its not fuckin barbershop

Purveyors of the redundant qualifier- (Tonight I’m Gonna Rock you Tonight), this little known rock n’ roll group made the cliche their own – so much so every band interview since the release of ‘Spinal Tap’ almost invariably mentions a ‘Spinal Tap’ moment in the career, a heightened moment of bathos which puts the ridiculous nature of the rock n’ roll lifestyle in stark perspective.  My own particular Spinal Tap moment was when I woke up in the middle of the night screaming, realising my dreams of becoming a musician were dying with every passing day. Oh how I laughed.

1. The Wonders

Five wankers blocking my path to Liv

A shock entry at number one this, but I’ll stick by it. What other band can you name that was managed by the most affable man in Hollywood (Not Bill Murray, Tom hanks – though they should really battle it out for that title) , and what other band can you name were not one, but two of the members have an ould grope at Liv Tyler. LIV TYLER! that’s what it’s all about – that’s the only reason anyone ever anywhere has ever joined a band, because it increases their possibility of getting closer to her. I know that’s why I did anyway. She looks like she’d smell class.

* I am aware that my grasp on fiction and reality in this article is somewhat blurred.

10. Phil Anselmo: Ex-Pantera frontman and southern badass, Phil’s coolest tats include the one on his skull (his skull!) and the ‘Phil Core’ on his arm. Hardcore Phil, now of Down, has technically died before, but it hasn’t shown any signs of slowing him down.

9. Maynard James Keenan: Tool’s tiny singer has had this from back in the heavier Opiate days. In all probability it holds the key to the universe and we should all think about getting one.

8. Henry Rollins: Henry has since gone a bit downhill of recent, appearing in gap ads and full metal scrapheap or something challenge. Still though, he’s nearly as wide as he is tall. Apparently the half coloured tattoo of a bone on his lower leg never got finished cause it hurt him too much…

7. Simon Neil: Again, another tiny man. Surprised they all fit on him actually, but they do seem a tad more thought out than a lot of other’s. His ‘god only knows what id be without you’ and In Utero doll are something which can be expected to crop up with all the kids.

6. Brent Hinds: Mastodon’s co-frontman, of sorts, Brent is apparently a bit of the loose cannon of the metal band. You’d need to be, having a tattoo on your forehead and all.

5. Shelly Brien: The female Mark Lanegan almost. COVERED in tattoos and very, very hot. Her vocals, found on Bubblegum, compliment Mark fairly well. She looks like she could knock the bollocks out of you though, but in a good way.

4. Mark Lanegan: Born to be in a rock band, Lanegan has worked with the best in the business including 90’s grunge band Screaming Trees, Foo Fighters, Kurk Cobain, QOTSA, Greg Dulli…it goes on. His style has rubbed off on some. Don’t think Josh Homme’s stars popped up out of nowhere.

3. Dez Fafara: Dez never used to look this strange. With his Coal Chamber days long behind him, he went on to found hardcore band DevilDriver. And seemingly went a bit insane. You maybe wouldn’t tell him though.

2. Timmy C/Simmering Tim, YTK: An excellent bassist for an excellent band. Rage, that is. Audioslave were never going to be greater than the sum of the parts. While Tim and the rest of his RATM teammates toying with the idea of a full-scale comeback, Chris Cornell went to Timbaland and himself appeared live on a few Temple of the Dog tracks with Eddie Vedder.

1. Joey Castillo: Qotsa always needed an excellent drummer following the departure of Dave Grohl and they got it in the monster Joey. 100% pure, tattooed drumming machine.

10 – Ginger, The Wildhearts. Proud enough of his fiery dreads to leave the name David Walls behind, we could all take note of the Geordie Ginger.

9 – Tori Amos. Theres something about ginger women, everybody knows that. Almost the other ‘love that dare not speak its name’, Tori could be easily joined here by Girls Aloud’s Nicola Roberts. Controversial perhaps.

8 – Ginger Baker, Cream. Looking like Animal from The Muppets, he played like one too, an animal that is. And look at him! Mental! Theres a picture of Animal here too, just not sure where.

7 – The Undertaker. Ok, he’s not a rock star, but he did do that whole Metallica-esque persona for a while. Plus, he IS The Undertaker!
Despite what you may think, he really is ginger. You just wouldn’t tell him.

6 – Axl Rose, Guns ‘n’ Roses. Yeah, despite what you might think of our Axl, Guns n Roses were undisputedly an excellent band back in the day. Since then, falls outs and break ups left Axl with a bit of a bad, (if possible), name. There’s no ‘i’ in ‘team’, Axl, but there’s certainly a ‘u’ in ‘cunt’

5 – La Faro. A band in which 75% of the members are gingers. That makes us a majority. Excellent!

4 – Mark Lanegan. Getting closer to the Number one ginger, Mark had to make an appearance somewhere. Throughout his career he’s managed to attract the attention of other gingers. Regardless though, you can’t imagine a voice like that being attached to anyone who isn’t a ginge.

3 – Tom Waits. Strange that a man, older than Mark Lanegan and whose voice was once described ‘like it was soaked in bourbon, left hanging in the smokehouse for a few months, and then taken outside and run over with a car’ is also ginger. Tom should be Mark’s dad.

2 – The Ginger Elvis. Very, very ginger, and very, very cool. Possibly the coolest ginger man on the planet. Nuff said.

1 – Glen Hansard. Glen’s got about a fair amount, even though he is probably the most ginger person on the planet. Not a hint of a tan anywhere near his ginger skin. Making the transition from music to film on a number of occasions shows that he’s clearly been accepted by the wider community. An inspiration to us all.

9. Nirvana – Where Did You Sleep Last Night?
Once dear ol’ Kurt got a whiff of this Leadelly song he originally did a duet with Mark Lanegan on his first solo album, entitled The Winding Sheet. Mostly recognisably though, it appears in flawless form on Nirvana’s MTV Unplugged session.

8. Marmaduke Duke – Single Ladies
By no means the Scottish Beyonce, Biffy’s Simon Neil and Sucioperro’s JP Reid combined (with the other Biffy members) for this cover in Radio 1’s Live Lounge. Like the other covers Simon Neil has turned his hand to in recent years, this turns out excellent.

7. Roger Waters Feat Van Morrison and The Band – Comfortably Numb
Found on The Departed soundtrack, you might end up seeing something almost quite beautiful in Van’s otherwise totally out of place addition.

(N.B. Yeah I know this clip is the concert version, but it’s good too)

6. China Drum – Wuthering Heights
Shattering the delicacy of Kate Bush’s original might be sacrilege for some, but if you’re gonna do it, do it properly. And preferably with a lot of distortion.

5. Manic Street Preachers – Suicide Is Painless
Ok, it comes from the Manics slightly glam era, but it’s still a priceless cover and a slightly ironic song for the Welshmen to come off with, just a few years before Richey Edwards ‘disappearance’.

4. Pearl Jam – Last Kiss
Made famous by Wayne Cochran and the CC Riders in 1962, Pearl Jam’s take allows Vedder’s voice to take centre stage in the otherwise fairly low key cover. Still, though, it’s Pearl Jam’s biggest hit to date – it’s true.

3. The Twilight Singers – My Time (Has Come)
When singer Greg Dulli appeared on Italian-based band Afterhour’s version of this song, originally called ‘White Widow’, it was no surprise it then turned up on his latest Twilight Singers album Powder Burns.

2. Deftones – The Chauffer
Not an instantly recognisable song. Featuring on the ‘b-sides and rarities’ album, the Deftones bring their own smooth take on this Duran Duran song.

1. Johnny Cash – Bridge Over Troubled Water
Everyone knows his cover of Nine Inch Nails’ ‘Hurt’ is heart-renderingly brilliant. Though Bridge Over Troubled Water, which also features Fiona Apple, should be considered just as impressive.