Bandwidth

I get a shit-ton of fan-email. (E-fan-Mail?) For some reason most of it comes from China and I can’t understand a goddamn word of it, but I just take it as evidence of my worldwide appeal, and that’s enough for me. I did, however, get a very nice email from an African princess who told me she wanted to marry me. Despite her incredible wealth and the endless opportunities this would have afforded me to make jokes referencing the film The African Queen whilst in the sack I had to decline, as my heart still lies with Caitlin Rose. Interestingly, though, I also get a lot of questions regarding Will. Initially I was shocked by the sexual frankness of the language being used, but I am now used to it, and the continuous requests for locks of his hair, most of which I oblige, usually by digging in the plug hole of the shower in his office en suite. Most commonly though, I just get questions from adoring fans about what he is really like. It seems he is a true enigma among Bandwidth fans, his air of mystery no doubt adding to his incredible success in the industry. Anyway, I finally decided to shed some light on the mysterious sexual figure that is Will McConnell. I approached him with the idea that I shadow him for a few days, in a bid to put together an accurate portrait of him for the fans.

‘Go to hell, ass-face,’ he said.

1. The first interesting fact about Will is that he imposes a watershed on himself, meaning that before 9pm he only ever uses PG-rated swears. This also means he does not make love before 9pm, choosing instead to kiss passionately for ten seconds and then have a cigarette with the duvet pulled up past the nipple line.

Luckily I pre-empted his refusal and I had a backup plan in place. That’s right Will, that guy you caught looking in your window who claimed to be a door-to-door pen salesman? That was me in disguise. And I want my pen back. That Muslim woman in full burka next to you in the bar who had to drink her whiskey by sticking the glass up inside her hood? Me too. And that wino who accosted you outside the kebab shop to ask for money for the train home? That was me, but technically I wasn’t in disguise and I really did need money for the train. Burkas are fucking expensive. I also hired Rebekah Brooks to hack Will’s phone, but I really only did that because she looks so much like an evil villain’s sidekick I couldn’t pass it up. And she was so desperate for a job she didn’t even object to my calling her ‘Frauline’. So here it is folks. The result of six and a half hours of dangerous undercover work to bring you the man, the myth, the legend…

2. Will sleeps on a pillow stuffed with the fine downy hair of a rare Guatemalan pig. It takes around 260 pigs to fill one pillow, as they really don’t have that much hair to begin with, and the pigs are slaughtered in the process as Will finds the idea of shaving a pig repulsive.

3. When the pillow loses its ‘smunchiness’ (Will’s word) he orders a new one and has the used pig hair woven into high quality neck ties which he wears, loosely tied, to all the important functions he attends. He makes a point of explaining the origin of his tie to everyone who will listen, which is how I came about this information.

4. Will was on the drug ‘Charlie Sheen’ before it became popular. He now only ever uses ‘Gary Busey’ and insists it is purely recreational.

5. Osama Bin Laden was actually killed by a team of mercenaries hired by Will, after he heard that Bin Laden had been ripping off the Bandwidth Sessions filming style. He let Obama take the credit as a personal favour, in appreciation of his Kanye comment.

6. Will takes a golden goblet to bars, to save himself the indignity of drinking from the same pint glasses as everyone else. He chooses, however, to drink Harp Ice, to ‘show his affinity for the common man’, though I suspect it is because he has terrible taste in beer.

7. Will used to keep a harem of concubines at home, but says he gave that up when he ‘finally matured’. He now pays to have them housed a few miles away.

8. Much like Steven Spielberg, Will no longer actually takes part in the production of his videos. He lets someone else do all the work and then just slaps his name on it, for the ratings.

9. Will does a fairly decent Tom Jones impression, but only ever does it when he is very drunk, or in the shower. I have never seen Will drunk.

10. Six years ago Will legally changed his name from Will McConnell to Will McConnell, ‘for a laugh’.

And there you have it folks. This is as much as anyone really knows for sure about Will, so you can stop writing to ask me about him. I will also no longer honour those requests for locks of his hair, after what I found in the drain of his shower the last time.